Anarchist Wizard Shampoo Mantra

Sample of a Manifesto Printed on the Back of a Shampoo Bottle for a Wizard Separatist Group Which Briefly Attempted to Expose the Immaterial World by Means of Locally Sourced Hygiene Products:

[ DR. DO-BETTER invites you to SING-SONG ALONG to his recipe for ABCendence!

After the Armageddon, Anticipate An Awakening! Leisure is temporary— but nothing ever ends for you! After the Alphabet, Ascend to Alphabet SoupTM!

Before the Betaalph Boiled Alphabet SoupTM. Its Benevolence Boasts that we shall never Be Bereft of it, But this Bargain Behooves our eventual return to it. Happy Birthday!

Chaos Cannot be Copyrighted, though the Children know its name. Communicate the good word, but never Commodify! Our Condolences to the Culture-Consumed Cthulhu, but he Cannot Comprehend what’s Coming.

Do Defend our Descending Dithyramb, for this Dialogue is Demonstrably Dear amongst the Din of Duplicitous and Dogmatic Discourse. We Don’t Dilly-Dally!

Eek! Eek! Emanates from Everyone, the Entangled. They have never tasted Alphabet SoupTM, not like this. No matter! Enlightenment Entails Evolution, but in the End, Evokes Effervescence!

Father is Fallible, and his Flaw is Feigning this Fallacy! He was born like the rest of us his children from the primordial Alphabet SoupTM. So Foster Forgiveness, as his human Form would!

Gentrification is as Gullible as it is Godless! To Gentrify is to Generate your own Gulag, to become the mind’s Gestapo! Don’t Give in— Galvanize!

Hornswoggling, Hedonism, and Horticulture Heed Happiness and Heart, but Halt your Heckling of the Holy Haplography, Harridan!

Idiocracy Is Impossible without the Intransigent Idiot, Inebriated from Imbibing Idols from Incipience. Interstitial Intelligence Is an Ineffective Innovation until It Is Innumerable and Isonomic. The Inexorable Impregnation of the entangled Idiot with Insipidity is Ingrained In the system and cannot be erased, only replaced.

Justice is Jeopardized! To be Just is to be Jolly, to be Jovial without Justification. Remember: Judgement awaits the Judicial.

Kaboom! Kablooey!” goes the Kaput Kakistocracy, for it cannot contain the Kaleidoscope.

Lilith’s Luminescence Lasts Leagues Longer than the Luster of Linoleum! Liberated from the Conglomerate’s Lofty Ligatures of shame, Let Luck align you with the senses. Before the entanglement, there is no time for Love— only Lust and Listerine.

Make way for the Magnificent Moore! The only power worth propagating is knowledge— from the Mouth, not the Maleus Maleficarum. Moore is no Malevolent Master or Malignant Monarch, but instead a Mighty Maestro.

Nescient is the Never-Natter Nature of Nomenclature. The Alphabet SoupTM has much to say, and after swish-swashing a mouthful of DR. DO-BETTER’s 53/3 – IN – 1 HAMP SHEMPOO, so will you! Never fret— the Nacre will Null this Nugacity. (WARNING: DR. DO-BETTER’s 53/3 – IN – 1 HAMP SHEMPOO is intended for External & Internal use on enlightened thinkers ONLY. Not for use on pregnant animals. To avoid unintentional consumption, keep out of reach of all physical and mental children. In case of accidental ingestion of more than a tablespoon, summon an apothecary immediately. DR. DO-BETTER and all affiliated vendors are not liable for any injurious mutations or spontaneous dimensional hyperawareness induced by misuse of DR. DO-BETTER’s 53/3 – IN – 1 HAMP SHEMPOO)

Our Ontogeny is Our Orogeny! God loves the sinners best, but the unforgivable One mistake is to act as though One we make. Never discriminate— Only Obfuscate Order!

Pooh-Pooh the Pretentious Plutocrats who Prolong Prohibition, Presenting Perfunctory ineptitude but Perpetuating Pernicious Piffle! Our Penultimate Prerogative Pertains to Proliferating our Premonitions, Preferably through Perspicacious Poetry and Portmanteau.

Quiet is Quite the Quality commodity. Quoth Alan Moore “Eureka!” only when the Quantity of interruptions had Quit. Equip the Quidnunc with her bridle ’til we entangle with the Quantum, for then, everything will be loud.

Remiss we would be not to Reference the Reaper, Receiver of Rancor despite his Reluctant Reception of a Repugnant Role. Relieved will he be to Retire to the entanglement, a Renascent Replacement for the equalizer.

Soak and simmer in these Soapy Suds! Scrub So long you’re Squeaky Clean. There’s no Sham in this Shampoo: it Swells with Super Special Science So you can Show your Sexiest Self! Swirl it, Smell it, Swallow it ‘til you’re Shiny, Spick and Span!

Traducers Taunt, Testing why Today is the Time, only to betray Their Tenuous grasp on the Temperament of Tohubohu, which Teases the Trite un-Truth that we Tangle with Time at all.

Unhand us from this Uncouth Unreality!” we Ululate Unrelentingly. When will the Unasinous masses Understand?

Vociferous Valediction is on the horizon, for we must Vamoose until we can Vanish into Vicissitude! Do not go gentle into that good night, forget not to Venerate your Vehemence and Venereal Vainglory!

Well-nigh is the Wakening, Wherein We all Wallow in the Weïrd! Wise is the Wordmonger; Winning is the Wanton!

X marks the exception in our exalted lexicon. Where our vocabulary is often in excess, X axes down our progress. Expand the language, English be damned! Xarranph! Xenchanculous! Xthiroiculate!

Yearn to Burn, and You shall receive! DR. DO-BETTER’s 53/3 – IN – 1 HAMP SHEMPOOTM offers an 83% GUARANTEE that You’ll return from the ashes looking brand sparking new! Youthfully Yours!

Zion is holy for only the Zombies, as we only see Zeus at our Zenith. Buried lowest in the grave, we are raised to our highest point. Zen is the Zebra in the jaws of the lion.

GROOVE and FEEL to these 26 EASY STEPS, but NEVER FOLLOW! Let your freak flag fly til the day of reckoning. ]

The Alliance Formerly Known as The Crown of Thorns will return in “The Sword of Fire,” being book 1 of 5 in the Elements United series.



  1. the marketing team at dr. bronner’s is quaking in their boots at this masterpiece

  2. John · July 22

    Yes! This makes me giddy. All the wonderful words and alliteration are so creative and playful. Love it.

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