So many spoilers, so little time. Spoilers galore. But seriously… spoilers for Annihilation and spoilers for Dark ahead. Even spoilers for Arrested Development ahead…the Mrs. Featherbottom hole goes deep. This post is a minefield. Don’t even look at it. Yea, I bet you won’t click. Is this working?
Well, it looks as though 2022 has already slipped through my fingers, because this post is already so last year. Sorry about that—I try to prioritize making a post the best it can be over its timing, but I think my philosophy should probably be closer to “quality before quantity, except after consistency,” because the time for resolutions has already wrapped.
Speaking of Wrapped, wrapping season has long since passed over at Spotify. Even their indie, small-town competitor, Apple Music, has its own original spin on this New Year’s stats sheet with Apple Replay. Aw, cute! Keep it up with these fresh ideas, Tim! As an Apple Music user myself (🚩)—and someone who can’t shut up about music, to boot—I’m always hit with that sweet, sweet, social media FOMO every time December rolls around, and I was sheepishly excited that Apple was finally providing their own option for seeing my year in music. What I walked away with, however, was largely disappointing—Apple Replay nails everything Spotify Wrapped has already done, down to its cheugy corporate-hip lingo, and that means it also nails Wrapped’s structural flaws.
Look, I know this is probably the last thing worth getting militant about, and to tell you the truth, my feelings are nowhere near that strong about this. Still, I figured now was as good an opportunity as any to enter my own dark horse into the streaming music recap race (wrolls wright off the tongue. Wrrecap. Wrrrapped. Wrrrreplay)—a real homegrown replay/wrapped situation. So, as 2022 comes to a close (four days into 2023), let’s take a look back at the music that defined my year, and that probably didn’t define yours, but here you are, reading about it, so it’s no skin off my back. Don’t think about it too much.
Hey everyone! I’d normally have two things to apologize for, but since I’m working on not doing that, I’m going to only apologize for one. I am sorry for the absence last week— as you may notice, the shriveled dong banner art was made pretty close to this post releasing last Friday before that fell through. I am not, of course, sorry for the shriveled dong banner art. It’s art, okay? Be mature. There’s nothing funny about a man’s little brother. Look, nudity is obviously a metaphor, okay? And should be destigmatized anyways. We’re all grown ups here. Jeez. Weirdo.
As a side note, I’m almost glad I’m releasing this a week late— as I’m finishing up writing this, I’m wearing a sweatshirt for the first time since easily March, and you can still smell the cold rain in the air. People outside my apartment are all wearing beanies and red noses, and the edges of leaves are starting to fade to yellow, and that can only mean one thing: I am becoming more powerful. I never intended for these to be listened as playlists because they can be so eclectic at times, but this one is smooth listening no matter the order because the equinox creeps ever closer, and my cognitive capabilities are only increasing. Soon, I will unlock the hallowed secret of work-life balance, and as the veins on my temples crackle out like lightning and my brain inflates to Hindenburg proportions, there will be no one left to stop my ascension. Okay, songs, here we go: